Not My Story

Fair warning:  If you ever ask me the title of my favorite book, movie, or song, prepare to get a list.  I simply love a good story.  You may be able to get me to narrow my “favorites” list by sticking to a genre, but it will still be a list.  Well, unless you ask me about horror movies…there is no list of great horror movies in my world. 

You see, all great stories are able to suck us into whatever emotion or conflict it is exploring. 

*Have I mentioned that I am an emotional girl?  Quick…name the artist who sang that song! J  No, really, my cousin (you know who you are!) and I (along with a lot of other Reed’s) got stuck with a high emotion gene.  We feel joy, sorrow, fear, hate, etc. deeply.  We are the ones crying at commercials, or ready to fight battles on behalf of those we love.  It doesn’t take much to get to us emotionally.  Heck, that unnamed cousin and I can see the other one crying, and start crying in support of the other’s tears.  It’s sad really.*

I regress…great stories suck us into the emotion and conflict the characters in the book or movie are experiencing.  We get to experience pain, fear, rejection, betrayal, and revenge through these characters, and then we get to see how they are going to respond to said tragedy.  Do they seek revenge?  Get mad at God for their lot in life?  Go on living with bitterness and resentment?  Do they let the fear of repeating their past mistakes or hurt control their current and future decisions on loving again, or living a full and productive life?  Or, do they battle on through life with courage, kindness, and love?

Reaction:    action in response to some influence or event

Yup, reactions…mine in particular; have been on my mind lately.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t always respond or react in a positive or helpful manner.  I know that at times I have momentarily, and in some cases, for long seasons, let bitterness, vindictiveness and fear control my life.  Or maybe something small irritates me or hurts my feelings, and I throw out a bit of sarcasm or a cutting remark. 

Fear:  a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; anticipation of the possibility that something unpleasant will occur.

Fear has controlled far too much of my life in the past.  I think broken dreams, particularly long standing hopes and dreams we have held that we either actively participates in destroying, or feel like we had no control over, create a particular fear of repeating the mistake, or a fear that our new life will not produce a story as great or better than the original dream we had.  At least this has been the case in my life. 

My heart’s deepest desire was to create a solid and lasting nuclear family.  Imagine my distress and despair when I then felt that divorce was my only viable option.  Even knowing deep down in my soul that divorce was the best decision I could make within my circumstances, my decision to divorce, has come with much grieving…sometimes daily (and it’s been 5 years!).  While I did grieve over the loss of my relationship with my husband, my biggest struggle with grief has been about the loss of the story I wanted for my life, and the broken promise I made to God to love, cherish, and respect this man for the rest of my life.

The real kicker is that I don’t want fear to control my life or my choices.  I want to be able to step into new relationships and situations with courage.  I want to trust that God’s story for my life is greater and bigger than the one I had dreamed up…even if my story includes a bit of brokenness and a hardship or two.  I want to enjoy the chapter of life I am currently living, while anxiously awaiting the next chapter I’m being prepared for.  Instead of having feelings of “this is NOT my story,” I want to embrace the interruptions and course corrections of my life with joy and hope for the future, realizing that sometimes my plans are derailed in order to relocate me to the places I need to go.